Well, I finally have an answer to that!
Since October, I’ve been feeling more than depressed, more than just normally put out by life. My husband convinced me to see a doctor 2 weeks ago to find out once and for all if there was some kind of brain tumor or cancer. I tend to think the worst about my own health, and so I procrastinate about seeing doctors. After all, they have an endless supply of bad news that they can give you.
My bad news this time is not so bad, though. I have a B12 deficiency, which seems to be corrected by vitamins for now, and a thyroid hormone problem, which can also be treated with medication. I found out on Thursday, and already my motivation, energy and outlook on life is better. I know part of my depression is attributable to the recent deaths of loved ones, but even so, it’s nice to have my memory back.
I do think my relief at feeling better is getting me in trouble, though. Last night, I was a bit loud, and a bit assertive when normally I am not, and I think I ruffled some feathers. We were playing a strategic game, and I tend to think of how to get the objective accomplished in the least amount of time. I didn’t bother mucking around with other people’s bit players, I just went straight to the target, took it, and ran off the board, which is what we were supposed to do. The others (including the one who got miffed at my opinions) were more intent on taking my characters out than sending their own people in to whisk the target away. That’s not my fault. That’s also not a flaw in the game. That’s just a difference in how you play it. My characters did get injured, but I had planned, and put the ones who could take the most damage in the line of fire. That’s strategy. Not luck. Not a problem with the game, either. So during the next battle, (it’s star wars miniatures, if you were wondering), my people were supposed to get the target to the shuttle while being hunted by the other players. They each had different goals. Mine was to get to the shuttle. So what do I do? I go straight to the shuttle. I didn’t win, but I did manage to almost win. The one that did win and I struck up a bargain (since I was playing mercenaries who had just lost their leader) and went to work for him and set about helping him accomplish his goal of capturing the other guy’s leader.
In the midst of this hunt, we started talking about something that was very emotionally charged for me, and it ended badly. I think this was mainly due to his question “what have you offered to do for the group”. Now, I have been very quiet about being turned down and completely ignored when I offer to do anything for this certain group in question, but it is still a raw subject for me, and not something I wanted to dredge up to the surface during an otherwise pleasant evening. Luckily, everyone was willing to drop it and move on, at which point I finished my work for the Empire and delivered the rebel scum. The wierd part is, I still feel badly about even voicing my opinion. That’s just crazy, isn’t it. To not feel welcome to be yourself in a group of good friends seems wrong to me.
So I wonder if there’s really anything wrong with me.
